- Aastha
Trainee, Mind Splatters
In your social circle, you might have known someone who was in an abusive relationship. People including you must have brought the abuse to that person’s attention, convincing them to break off the relationship. In their defense, the abused will make comments like “You won’t understand, that’s his way of showing love”, “She’s really stressed at work, she’ll make up for it”, “You’re just jealous of me” etc. Psychologists term this as “Trauma-bonding.” Trauma bonding happens when the abused develops an unhealthy attachment with the abuser because the abuser is also the only source of affection. The following article is an attempt to understand the depths of trauma- bond, possible ways it occurs, and how to deal with it.
The very first question is why is it so difficult to break the trauma- bond? The very simple answer is- the person experiencing abuse may develop sympathy for the abusive person, which becomes reinforced by cycles of abuse, followed by remorse. The bond can develop over days, weeks, or months. Hence, you may develop a trauma bond with a person you might not have known for over a week. At the base of it, trauma bonding is the idealization of abuse, involving an imbalance of power and oscillation between warmth and violence. For some, it is an unconscious way of coping with the trauma. An important thing to note here is that not everyone who experiences abuse develops a trauma bond. However, every trauma bond involves some form of abuse.
Trauma bonding stems from unhealthy dependence on the abuser, from the abused. They rely on the abusive person to fulfill their emotional needs. This leads the abused to blame themselves for the abuse, reinforcing the bond. After every act of abuse, the abused feels the hope that this cycle will end. An abusive person may make promises to change, and the abused sees suffering as a price to pay for kindness. Thereby, the cycle of abuse continues.
Trauma bonding can occur in the forms of domestic abuse, child abuse, incest, exploitative employment, kidnapping, human trafficking, religious extremism, etc. The abused in a trauma bond must sense a real threat of danger from the abuser. They must also experience harsh treatment with small periods of kindness, believing they cannot escape this cycle. They often also isolate themselves from other people and their perspectives. Some other signs of trauma bonding could involve the abused trying to cover for the abusive person- being defensive about their relationship. They argue or distance themselves from people trying to help, and may even become hostile if someone intervenes and attempts to stop the abuse. They will be reluctant to take steps against the abuser, agreeing to the abuse (“I deserve it”). Some other less visible signs for you to reflect upon in your relationships could be if there is enough mutual support between two people; whether you have recurring conflicts consistent; whether there is disrespect, name-calling, being careless, humiliation; whether there is some unhealthy competition; whether there is enough cohesiveness between two people; if you catch yourself thinking if you can trust the other person, but you also can’t end the relationship; lastly if you define your relationship as intense and complex.
If you resonate with the last para, let's talk about how you may break a trauma bond. The basic step is to focus on the present. Block all the thoughts like “They’ll make up for it.” Stay in the present and see for yourself if this was right for you. Acknowledge what is happening now, pause, and reflect. One of the good ways to do so is to keep a diary. Assess yourself, and your emotions, notice a pattern, and act on the same if something looks wrong. A diary will also help you focus on the evidence and not suffer in the hope of change or nostalgia for good times.
Constant abuse can really shatter one’s self-esteem, it is important to remind yourself that you deserve to be loved.
Practice self-care- go out with your friends, engage in hobbies you enjoy, sleep on time, maintain a healthy diet, etc. Practicing positive self-talk is equally important, if done regularly, can help you identify what’s best for you and act on the same. The very last step is to show courage and cut- off the person abusing you. It will not happen overnight and you will need to show some faith and believe in yourself. Make yourself a priority and stick with people who believe in you, and treat you with affection and love.
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