By Aastha Gangwar
Intern at Mind Splatters
As humans, we have some innate needs of wanting to feel loved, connected, respected, and have a sense of autonomy in a social relationship. These relationships define our social self and give us a sense of belonging. However, when someone fails to acknowledge our needs, we are often left with the tag of being “needy”, “too much”, or even “clingy”. This article is an attempt to explain and destigmatize a very natural need for love and security, how to identify unrealistic needs and expectations, why we develop these unrealistic expectations, and how to work towards healthy attachment and have healthy expectations from the other person.
Our attachment style and needs are often strongly shaped by the relationship we shared with our parents and/ or caregivers as children. People who grew up in healthy, stable households often develop secure attachments as adults, however, kids who grew up in unstable households often develop insecure anxious attachments or insecure-avoidant attachments as adults. Hence, needs that weren’t met as kids are manifested in adult romantic relationships. When as kids, our needs are left unheard, we feel ignored and disappointed. This reinforces us to remain quiet, however, the needs remain.
Further, we don’t express our needs because somewhere we are scared of getting rejected. This has been referred to as “Fear of abandonment”, being so uncomfortable with the idea of rejection, that we condition ourselves to keep those needs to ourselves. In this process, we develop unrealistic expectations that “they should intuitively know how to act or respond”. This leads to counterproductive arguments and the actual needs are left unaddressed. A negative self-narrative where we don’t see our needs as valid could also lead to unmet needs. On a similar scale, the stigma attached to being labelled as “needy” keeps us from asking for our needs.
It's important to make a note here and differentiate between actual needs and unrealistic expectations. Asking questions like “what are we?”, “how do you define our relationship?” demanding clarity in a relationship is not “needy”. Similarly, wanting support from your family members and friends, craving physical touch and affection. Wanting to be complimented, hugged, valued, and not taken for granted does not make you clingy.
It makes you a human with a very human need for a sense of belongingness. It is very genuine of you to want your loved ones to show up, be present, and seek reassurance and apologies from them in case you have been wronged.
How do you know if your needs are not being met in a relationship? You might have a feeling of anxiousness. You have a consistent need to feel secure and safe. You seek clarity and stability to ease off that anxiousness. There exist feelings of resentment- a need to feel heard, understood, and considered. You often feel disconnected from your partner.
You would want them to prioritize you, actively seek you, and want you. You often easily feel overwhelmed in your partner’s presence, seeking more personal space. Physically, you may feel numb- a need to be touched hugged, or desired. One other very important unmet need could be a sense of distrust- a need for honesty and coherence.
If you relate to the previous part of the article, you might want to know how to address these unmet needs without risking the relationship or the fear of abandonment. The very basic step is to ask- no matter the outcome. Do not put yourself in a position to hold onto the resentment of uncommunicated needs. Ask. For the most part, even after communicating and discussing with your partner, it doesn’t mean they’ll have the ability to fulfill and meet all of our needs.
It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs- engaging with your family, hanging out with your friends, owning a pet, get new hobbies could be some ways to place fulfill these needs in realistic and healthy ways. Even after all the efforts a partner makes, we still might feel that “something is missing”. It's then that you realize that maybe it's us, and it's not about them. This might just be a stepping stone to start your healing journey before you push your unmet needs and expectations on your partner.
this was very relatable and validating to read! it's great to see resources added at the end too.
writing this was an insightful experience, hope this helps those in need to hear it!