By Srilakshmi Mallya
Intern at Mind Splatters
Self-Doubt
Self-doubt is what leaves you with plenty of questions about yourself – your thoughts, abilities, choices, your image of yourself, beliefs and includes pretty much everything that makes you “you.” Provided our evolution, we like being part of the group, we want to belong and feel safe. We do care how others think of and perceive us. Saying you don’t care about what others say sounds like outright denial of your insecurities. So it is quite natural to doubt yourself when you are criticised, when you see someone venturing into something you’ve not, when you feel small, unmotivated or powerless. Although extreme self-doubt could leave you hollow with no ground. If prolonged, it becomes detrimental, insidiously eroding your sense of self.
Why do we doubt ourselves?
The fear of disapproval is one of the reasons you tend to doubt yourself. Seeking approval from people we admire, value and adore is part of our survival and this need not be at the cost of our needs, boundaries and well-being. When we’re raised in environments where expression of our needs regularly are met with rejection, anger, mockery, etc; we’re often left feeling unsafe, our survival is at stake. Hence we resort to whatever makes us feel safe i.e. keeping everyone happy, ensuring that what’s expected of us is duly satisfied, although it causes us severe damage. We might also find ourselves noticing disapproval when there isn’t any, like seeing the world through disapproval-tinged sunglasses. One may even go as far self-jeopardising through procrastination or external causes, for instance, to escape this fear but shutting the lid on a boiling pot never did anyone good, did it? Try therapy, it’s definitely more promising.
Or we internalise this voice of criticism. One slip and we’re chanting those good old words that drag us through the mud. The shame attached to failure, mistakes and insufficiencies can be paralysing. You might just end up clipping your wings, afraid of falling so you don’t fly at all. But we must ask ourselves, what holds more value to us? Inching past the comfort zone, exploring what holds best for you or circling back to that voice holding you down? Or do you exhaust yourself as you strive for the mirage of perfection while feeling no contentment? The choices won’t always be as easy or clear and if there is a choice that doesn’t involve compromising your growth, it is perhaps the best choice you could make for yourself.
A dearth of confidence could land us in self-doubt. Confidence is something that culminates when we sit with the fear. For every challenge you rise up to (not win or take over), you are creating room for the confidence to grow. Confidence isn’t certainty. Confidence builds when you can hold space for your uncertainty, vulnerability and inadequacies. Even a good bunch of questions aimed at our abilities, opinions and so on could leave us with more questions.
So how do we cope with self-doubt in a healthy manner?
It is essential to separate our self-worth from criticism. Mistakes don’t make you any less worthy of what you have achieved or who you have become. Besides, criticism isn’t always constructive. People bring their own standards, values and opinions to the table when they criticise. So sometimes, it’s not you, it’s them. A criticism isn’t an ultimatum about you. Letting go of them can be freeing. It is just as essential to accept constructive criticism. This may not be a cakewalk but it could open gates for improvement!
Coming back to shame, when dealing with criticism, one must cultivate self-compassion. Self-compassion helps create a safe space for yourself where you’ll find the patience, courage and silence to hear out the criticisms and decide which of those truly matter to you and which of them are mere personal attacks. A constructive criticism is one that supports your progress and best interests. Personal attacks are corrosive, be it from within or without. Building this self-compassion, honesty and genuineness with yourself takes practice.
To go beyond your comfort zone, to release your clipped wings, you have to believe, even slightly, that you can fly, that there is possibility. A slip and fall doesn’t mean you’re doomed for life. Dealing with this fear may not be easy. It will take consistent efforts, addressing the fear, sitting with it, finding harmony, empathising with ourselves to ease the journey.
As mentioned earlier, procrastination is among one of the avoidance behaviours we engage in to avoid any chance of mistakes. But this only works like a painkiller – numbing you instead of aiding you deal with the concern at hand. The urge to engage in these behaviours only grows the longer you try to keep it away.
Only as we learn more about such avoidance behaviours, do we foster the possibility of growth, more conscious and healthy choices.
Beautifully well put !
very well articulated and informative blog post, thank you for sharing ‼️